What missionaries won't say-about going back to their "home" country

As I am preparing to go to the States in a few days, I am feeling overwhelmed already. Most people probably assume that when missionaries return to their home country, either on a short visit or a furlough, that it is an much-anticipated time. And it is, kinda. I very much anticipate seeing my family and friends, worshiping in my sending church (HPC), and eating all the yummy foods that I've missed (sushi, Zaxby's!!) but there is a part of me that has to gear up for what lies ahead.

I have written this blog so you can hopefully understand your missionary (whether it's me or not) more and be sensitive to the struggles that they might be feeling when they return. I hope it doesn't come across as whiny or ungrateful but these are the real feelings that we experience.

*We have two homes and we don't feel as if we belong in either

We have our first home and now we have our current home, where we are serving. Living as a foreigner in a new country is hard. As much as you learn the culture, learn the language, even marry a local (as I did) you still feel as if you don't belong at times. You are always an outsider, you always stand out. But when we go back to our first home, we realize we really don't belong there either. Our hearts are not there because we have been called to a new place. Nothing stays the same in the first country so it's easy to feel left-out or left-behind when going back to visit.

*Culture of excess

Most missionaries come from first-world countries that thrive in excess. It is really hard to return to these cultures and not be overwhelmed or frustrated by it. So often people tell us that they would love to help our ministry but they don't have extra money so it's hard to see the excessive lifestyle (by our definition) that they live that is pretty mainstream in the States.

*Finances

When we return to our first homes it is really hard to accomplish all that we need to because we don't have the money to do it. We live so minimally on the mission field because we hate asking for money and most people only donate to the ministry-not to the missionary families-so when we return we don't have any money. But we still have things like our health, electronic devices, and government paperwork that require money to fix or process (I'm already quite stressed about my list of items on this to-do list that I have to attend to!).

Plus, we need to get resources for the ministry and needed supplies for our family, but again we don't have money. Most people only think that they should donate to the ministry but the reality is, missionary families need money all year to live in these countries. Find out how your missionary wants you to give to the family-because it's usually not the same avenue as donating to the ministry itself.

*We hate asking for money

Let's be honest. Out of sight, out of mind is a true statement for missionaries. The people in their first home tend to forget about them over time and the support for the ministry or family falls off so when we go back to our first home, we are forced to fund raise. We hate fund raising. We hate asking for money and we know God provides but very rarely does He provide by random people deciding to write big checks, usually He provides through us asking.

*Life goes on for everyone else

Again, out of sight, out of mind applies here. We go back to our first homes wanting to connect with everyone and not sit at home by ourselves but the reality is people are busy and most don't make time for visiting missionaries. Just like we don't like asking for money, we don't like asking people to hang out with us. For one, we feel as if we are nagging but also we feel like if people wanted to connect with us, they would ask so if they haven't that must mean they don't want to. But the other problem is time. If people do want to hang out it's usually on weeknights because of their work schedules but it becomes a problem when people only want to connect on weeknights. Weeknights and weekends are usually when we spend time with our families. Being able to meet for breakfast or lunch during the week is the optimal time but again, most people work during the day so it's a struggle.

*It's hard for us to hear about your family vacations and trips

We would love to go on family vacations, have weekends with our spouse, have weekends of spiritual refreshment, take our kids on trips but we can't so sometimes it's hard for us to hear about all the trips you take. Yes, we should work on our own jealousy issues but it's reality.

So how can you help? Talk to your visiting missionaries, give them words of encouragement, let them know you are praying for them, invite them for lunch. Bless them with gift cards to local stores or restaurants (but ask them what they prefer) or bless them with cash so they can go to the doctor and get their electronics fixed. Support their ministry. But most importantly, love on them.

The lies of Motherhood

Before I became a mother, I always heard things like “being a mother is not about you”, “you must always put your children first”, “motherhood is about always sacrificing your needs and wants”, “you must always pour into the lives of your children-not yours”, and “your children are the most important people in your life”.

I disagree with all of these statements. There, I said it. Call me a bad mother if you want to but at least hear me out. I realize that motherhood is full of sacrifices and you have to put your children first in most instances and I'm definitely not endorsing the “have a child and drop it with the nanny 24/7” lifestyle. Not by any means. But if you are always putting your children first and only pouring into their lives (not yours or your husband's) what could you be possibly giving them? You can't pour out from an empty jug (unless you're the widow that God miraculously kept supplying with oil)! Let's look at a few of these statements:

“you must always put your children first”

I think we can safely blame this statement on so many problems that plague families-inside and outside the Church. Obviously, there are divorces and unfulfilled marriages that are caused by other reasons but let's think about this. If you are always putting your children first-what is happening to your spiritual life or to your marriage? It's really hard to have a God-centered marriage when you don't feed your relationship with God or your relationship with your husband.

And let's not get crazy, I'm not talking about the immediate needs of children. Obviously if a child is sick or if an infant needs to be fed, in that moment, that child's need takes priority over other things. But you can not constantly put your children first-all the time-and expect your spiritual life to flourish and your marriage to thrive.

Plus, if we are always putting our children first, aren't we just raising a generation of narcissistic, impatient children?

“motherhood is about always sacrificing your needs and wants”

I think this is one of the biggest traps of motherhood. Mothers want the best for their children. They want to give them everything they didn't have. They want their children's lives to be better than theirs. There is nothing wrong with these desires. But because of these desires mothers very often deprive themselves thinking that they are actually giving more to their children. But again, you can't give what you don't have. Let's face it, motherhood is hard, tiring, and draining. It's a job that requires time-off but so often, women think they are hurting their children if they take alone time.

This one has never been a problem for me. I am a person that needs alone time. Other people recharge by spending time with friends, and I do sometimes, but mainly I recharge by being alone. Being alone allows me to gather my thoughts and regroup. When I don't get my alone time things are not pretty!! Constant questions and incessant talking exhausts me and as you know, children are full of questions and talking! This alone time allows me to be in blissful silence so I can come back to my children recharged and ready to spend quality time with them. For me quality time is more important that quantity time. Who cares if I have spent every waking moment with my children when for ¾ of that time I spent frustrated. Which will they appreciate more: lots of time with lots of frustration or less time with more fun? How do you like to spend your alone time?

“your children are the most important people in your life”

Another big trap of motherhood. And another ideology that I believe harms marriages. The way I understand my priorities (and I get this from reading the Bible) is in the following order: God, Husband, Children, Ministry. It's so easy to get these things out of whack, especially if you have small children or troubled older children. And there will be seasons where you spend more time and energy on your children than you will your husband-but these should be “seasons” not “long periods of time”. Children thrive best in homes with strong, stable, parents that are crazy about each other. It's hard to have a strong, stable, loving marriage if you are always neglecting your husband for your children. You are not neglecting the children if you take romantic weekends, weekly date nights, nightly walks with your husband. You are actually blessing your children by loving their father so well! You are giving the children a sense of stability-so that they never have to worry that their parents will get divorced. Divorce reeks havoc on kids. It's easy to expect a child to just “get over it” but that is not a realistic expectation. It's unrealistic because it's not God's way. God's way is for a child to be nurtured by their mother and father in the same family unit. This is not to say that if divorce happens that a child can't overcome the hurt, by it's unfair to ask it of them.

I am not suggesting that we stop spending time with our children and move to some remote island and sip fruity drinks all day but I am suggesting that we stop believing some of the most common traps of motherhood. Motherhood is a ministry. You can not run a successful ministry without checking in with your ministry leader-God-on a daily basis. You can not pour into your children's lives if you are empty. You need to fill yourself with the things of God, you need to spend some time recharging your tank so you can come back to your children renewed and refreshed. Trust me, your family will be better for it!